Driven To Burnout

You know the saying “go hard or go home”?…Well I went too hard.

I burned out.

Burnout.

It happens to us all, especially when we are far too involved in something that is challenging, something that may be fun but isn’t necessarily; in any case, we know we must get something done. Burnout is typically related to pressure, difficulties and challenges experienced in the workplace. But in recent years, it is more and more recognized to happen in every area of life really.

Strangely enough though, my burnout did not stem from my professional work but rather from a very heavy school workload I undertook at the start of the pandemic. Although it was triggered by school, I hope readers of this article can see how I went about improving my priorities management following my burnout episode.

How Did It Happen?

Well, as do most students who have full-time jobs, I had too much on my plate. I was going far too hard with life. I was in fifth gear, and my tires were still spinning; I was burning rubber. Long story short:

• I maintained intense and high-volume academic courses during successive semesters;
• while onboarding and ramping up in a new job;
• simultaneously settling into my new house (and a new neighborhood) over the same 3-month period;
• combined with my already questionable mental state due to repeated pandemic-induced lockdowns.

It was just too much (for me).

Juggling those life changes took such a serious toll on my motivation and drive to do anything that at some point, professional work actually became my escape. Those were the only times where I could totally zone out from the shackles of school work and not think about my choice of degree’s impact on my vision for my life, etc.

In the end, I (thankfully!) learnt from my burnout. Hopefully you can learn from my mistakes so that you don’t fall victim to burnout – regardless of the area of life that triggers it.

How Did Burnout Manifest?

I had a lot of symptoms but in a way, it felt as though I was just “too lazy” to get ahold of myself:

Physical – I Felt Exhausted All The Time

• I am typically able to sleep anywhere. I am one of the few people I know who can sleep 8 hours straight on a place. But at the moment, it would take me forever to fall asleep (my head was literally buzzing with thoughts). When I did, my sleep would be agitated or I’d simply wake up and stare at the ceiling (hello insomnia!)
• Starting at 3 or 4 PM, I would experience a massive drop of energy. I needed to take a nap so bad around that time that once I had to stop by the side of the road.
• Even when I overslept, I would have energy for 2-3 hours before starting to feel sluggish again.

Emotionally – I Felt Deep Emotions I Could Not Control

• Once I got to the cashier at the grocery store and the price of an item was higher than what was indicated in the aisle. I started crying and I could not stop no matter how hard I tried.
• My temper got incredibly short: I’d get irritated, angry or impatient pretty quickly.
• II felt as thought anything I could do at work or regarding my personal responsibilities did not matter. It’s like my sense of accomplishment or the joy I found in being effective had disappeared.
• My feelings would change greatly: I’d go from sadness to exhilaration, back to anxiety, straight into hope – all in a matter of minutes.

Cognitively – I Could Not Process Even The Simplest Information

• One of my strengths is to be able to connect the dots different situations, pieces of information and people, i.e. see the big picture. At that time, I was experiencing great difficulties to concentrate and understand what was happening during meetings. Even one-on-one conversations became a challenge.
• I went from being able to remember the name of my colleague’s sister-in-law’s dog to forgetting what I was told just 5 minutes before. Everything was just a blur in my head.
• Because I could not think effectively, process information and draw conclusions as I was usually able to, my creative problem-solving abilities took a serious hit!
• Everything felt unmanageable and overwhelming – which would add to my helplessness. Heck, it would take me 8 hours to write a summary email.

Socially – I Could Only Hang Out With my Closest Friends

• They were the only ones I did not feel I had to “pretend” to be okay with.
• I am typically a chatterbox, a social butterfly. But I would avoid social interactions both at work and in my personal life. I was so overwhelmed that I could not fathom having to engage anyone outside of my circle.
• Although I ate more or less well, and kept working out, my overall self-care routine went out of the window!

So, What Did I Learn?

I learnt that I have compulsions. And that these compulsions (very!) often lead me to take on too many challenges simultaneously. Good challenges, albeit, such as learning new marketable skills, or experience great adventures.

When I reached my 30s, I actually felt like I had to accomplish the things I wanted, as if I was playing catchup with the rest of the world, due to a lack of prior opportunities. Your girl was on a mission!

However, the issue was that the mission never seemed to end. I just couldn’t stop accumulating new achievements. This is where the problem lies: I ran success race for three years straight, without breaks.

I’ll never forget being awake in my Singapore hotel room at 5 AM SGT trying to submit a university assignment due by 6 PM EST in Montreal – with the 12-difference, it meant the day before and I had to work through the night to complete it.

What Changed Since Then?

Well, I have become more aware of these compulsions.

You see, my compulsions translate into plans – S.M.A.R.T. goals. As a type A personality, I then proceed to pressure myself into fulfilling all of them in the least amount of time and as effectively as possible.

The difference is that now, whenever I am about to add something onto my plate, I wonder:

• Could this derail the balance I’ve built? How?
• Do I really “have” to do it by the schedule I specified?
• Or, can I move the deadline according to how energized I feel? What’s the concrete impact (not the one in my head) of meeting or not the deadline?

In a way, I am slower (and a little more cautious) in making significant decisions because I remember how it felt to hastily add more onto my plate and juggle many simultaneous changes.

I am also more sensitive to “decision fatigue“ and much faster: whenever I am being asked to make, on the spot, a decision that was not foreseen, I tend to retreat. I need time (and I take the time!) to weigh the pros and cons of the decision.

Typically those decisions are not directly related to my personal projects but rather asked of me by a loved one, an acquaintance or a teammate. Either way, I do not feel obligated to get back to them right away anymore!

My motto for decision-making (and many other priorities) is: unless it is a life or death matter, it can wait. And it has. I oftentimes put these decisions off until I have the mental capacity to process them.

Am I Immune To Burnout Now?

I sometimes question if I can stop it from happening again – if I can prevent my compulsions from taking over my life, my health and my peace.

With hindsight, I am now constantly reflecting on myself and my actions – asking God for discernment when it comes to what the root causes of these compulsions are.

What is it that I am trying to prove and to who?

I think I can do it. Everyone can. It will just take some time, patience, adopting some good habits, having some faith and a good dose of discipline or at least self-control.

I am not letting my desire of fulfillment turn to a mental anguish. As a believer in Christ, I seek the Wisdom and the Hand of God in and amongst these convolutional thoughts of mine: He works in miraculous ways always. I believe that the more I’ll submit my ever-erratic thoughts to Him the more I’ll be able to hear what He has been telling me all these years, as my compulsions started to manifest. And that belief, that tried and true belief is enough to bring me peace amidst the turmoil.